I died yesterday.
Not the sort of thing you write often. Or experience more than once, I’d imagine. Given recent events I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I suppose I should start with what happened.
With Blaze safely underway to Gemfall, I sought out Levrim, knowing he was in town. There was some to-do about a murdered girl and the assassination of the emperor, but having suspected he would die soon (albeit my expectation was by Celus’ hand,) I am relatively unphased by it all. After joining with them I let my shock wash over me. I needed some time to let all recent events come crashing down, and I took the opportunity while I was among tenuous allies.
Eventually I assisted with the pursuit and capture of a magic-borrowing, masochistic, (indeed suicidal) murderer who killed this girl’s sister. I don’t remember her name—odd for a detective, but I am, I think, understandably numb. Anyway, we found him, he tried to drown himself, and after some weak interrogation (as we were unprepared for it) he swallowed poison, which leaves me wondering why the brain-dead fool didn’t attempt that first rather than trying to drown himself.
Sensing darkness at work I began to snap out of my delirium, just in time to realize my decision to go and see Celus was probably not the best.
Of course he knew I was there, but I wasn’t going to confront him. If he wants the stone let him come to me. It shouldn’t be that hard for him, all-powerful as he is. WHEN he takes over as emperor… I don’ know what I will do then.
This is when the feeling started. The pervasive anger began building. I got Blaze out, but to what end? Now what? Am I any closer to respite? Do I not deserve some, or at the very least have I not earned it for those I love?
Then there was a dragon. I followed the group into the mouth of the cave wherein lay a dragon. I tried to leave, tried to get the crew to stop too late. My gut failed me. I next thought perhaps I could blend with the shadows. The breath attack Selena and I dodged narrowly stopped that idea. The fact that their friends were in the back of this cave meant we would now have to fight, so very aware that I was fighting a battle I would not have found had I kept to myself, and very aware of my lack of any heavy armor, I charged behind the beast as best as possible.
My plan to repeat my performance with the Schir proved futile, and Once behind the creature I found reaching it more difficult than I had anticipated. I tried to attack the creature, but found my blades turned aside by its armor and quick movement. I braced myself to plunge the daggers deep, and taking advantage of a moment of distraction and heroic strength, I penetrated the armor of the beast and cut it good. Unfortunately, everyone else had not been able to hurt the creature much, were passed out from injuries, or were cowering elsewhere,, leaving me to bear the full rage of the dragon. I was aware of Selena attacking out of a desperate rage, no doubt thinking me dead, (she knows better…) and then I was gone.
Getting a second chance is wonderful, but it did nothing to temper my anger.
When I returned, to find the dragon slain, I first thought to be done with it all and run.
But the anger built till I could not help but shake. I tried to think rational. Giving the stone to Celus seemed a logical choice, given his power, and save the risk of betrayal he has a greater chance of survival, meaning mine would as well. This faulty logic didn’t last long, but was replaced by increasingly mad and enraged and panic-driven plans and ideas. Here is what I attempted to write during this fit:
“There is no way she wold leave my side normally, so If I couldn’t stop her I would have to make other arrangements.
If we are successful, that will be enough. She has something to remember me by. A part of me.
Who must die? I must talk to Celus, Felix, Anyone that will listen. I am done following, and I am done being independent
there are wizards and sorcerers who could ALL benefit from not dying. I could … Gather the scryers from the message-delivery people, the mercenaries who can have a share of whatever treasure we find and by the way NOT DIE… Nailah, Betancourt, anyone with money… People from the north the survivor girl might know, request the aid of the good dragons, the delvers that want a last job, the order who are sworn to defend, any brawlers worth their weight…
families of the slain that can fight…
I have spent the last several years fighting a system that has been overwhelmingly opressive and powerful, and now am confronted with a seemingly impossible task… I might as well have been locked up with Blaze. I dont know why he didnt take the stone, why the dragon didn’t kill me, or if he will survive the night. i have stuck to shadows for years, and now the shadows are on fire
i have no choice but to try to rally those who have no hope, because either they will unite or die. The civil war is an issue, but not one I can deal with alone, and frankly I’m inclined to let them find justice, provided there is something to squabble about first.
WHY are the dragons are divided, and why they chose now to try to eliminate the world?"
Today I am much more calm, thanks much to Selena, and have decided to be more rational and less angry. I sent a letter to Betancourt saying that I rescued his daughter up north but that she was with a group of bodyguards and I couldn’t bring her back alone. For what it is worth. I told Levrim this, and I told him to tell her that I am glad she is safe, and that I will not tell her father anything that I have not already said.
I am not a leader. Not by choice anyway. And it sounds like this Arwen may have answers for me. Better yet… He may possibly have a plan.